Wednesday, August 7, 2013

My Baby is Getting Married!

Taylor is getting married in 3 days!!! My second oldest child and oldest daughter is getting married!

It hit me yesterday. My heart ached and was thrilled all at the same time. Why does it move a mother's heart to such depths when her children are officially and permanently "grown up"?

Taylor is marrying a wonderful man! I am blessed that she is adding another amazing son to my family. She will eventually make me a Grandma, which, I am predicting, will be the pinnacle of joy in my life. I get to be even more amazed by her as I watch her grow into the amazing woman she is and is meant to be. She will be a wife. She will be a mother.

My baby is going to be a wife and mother.

Moms... dads.... this is the deep place I mentioned before....Where did the time go? And it feels like it's up.

Oh, the questions it raises in the mind and heart of a mother who loves her daughter so.

Did I do my job well? If I could attempt to reflect on how this question FEELS INSIDE OF ME, it would look more like this:


Is it just me or does this question haunt every mother when she knows her time is up? Not that I really believe that my time is up... we have a beautiful friendship now and I know that mothers play a lifelong role in shaping and influencing their children. So why does this question haunt me so?

Is it that nothing in my life has more profoundly or effectively revealed my fear of failure than motherhood?

I have faced this demon before. Many times. And especially with Taylor. She has been through more than most 23 year olds. She has been through more than a lot of 43 year olds.

"How could I have let that happen to her?"

"Where was I when she needed me most?"

"Did I do enough to make her feel safe, loved and cherished?"

"Does she know that she's perfect in my eyes no matter how much I got on her about the little things?"

"Oh if I could go back and undo this and do that..."
"Does she know that this is how I will see her this Saturday?"

I wish I would've been better for her. Better for all of them..... I want to go back and know then what I know now.... but I can't.
Even as I think these thoughts, I am reminded.......That's what Grace is for.

If I live with regret, then I live defeated. If I let yesterday's shortcomings overshadow me today, there is no hope for change tomorrow. 

If I truly believe that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose," then I have no need for regrets! How can I regret something that ends up being used for my good. Or for hers?

I either believe for the good or I live in powerless regret. 

I made a choice to believe a long time ago. Today, as I reflect on 23 years of mothering Taylor, I remind myself:

No regrets! Only joy!

God has chosen imperfect people to raise imperfect people. I must embrace the thing I like least about myself: My humanity. 
I have failed at times. But I have succeeded, too.

I have fallen short, but I have been there, too.

I have been selfish, but I have loved sacrificially.

I am a mother

This is what I know: I absolutely adore my daughter and she is getting married on Saturday! In her heart she is the same sweet little princess she was when I held her in my arms....when she played with her babies.... when she dressed up and got into my makeup. She has always had the most generous heart you will find. And she is as spunky today as she was when she stuck her tongue out at her brothers everyday for 7 months straight no matter how much trouble she got into for doing it. And am I glad she is! That spunk has propelled her through obstacles that would have paralyzed others. But not my girl. She obliterated those obstacles. Nothing stops her. She is my hero. 

And it will be the honor and privilege of my lifetime to walk her down the aisle and give her to a man who deserves all of the love she has to give.